Shame triggers defensive behaviors and sabotages relationships from "summary" of Daring Greatly : How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brene Brown
Shame is a powerful emotion that has the ability to trigger defensive behaviors and sabotage relationships. When we feel shame, our natural reaction is to protect ourselves from further harm. We put up walls and push people away in an effort to shield ourselves from vulnerability. This defensive stance can prevent us from forming deep connections with others, as we are too focused on self-preservation to truly let our guard down. In relationships, shame can be particularly damaging. It can lead us to act in ways that are hurtful to our partners, as we try to protect ourselves from the pain of vulnerability. We may lash out, withdraw, or engage in other destructive behaviors that push our loved ones away. This dynamic can create a cycle of shame and defensiveness that undermines the foundation of the relationship. When we are in the grip of shame, we are unable to be our authentic selves. We hide behind masks and walls, afraid to let others see the real us. This lack of authenticity can prevent us from forming genuine connections with others, as we are too busy trying to protect ourselves from further shame. To break free from the destructive cycle of shame and defensiveness, we must have the courage to be vulnerable. This means being willing to show our true selves, flaws and all, to others. It means being open to the possibility of rejection and hurt, but also to the possibility of deep connection and intimacy. By embracing vulnerability, we can begin to heal the wounds of shame and build stronger, more authentic relationships. We can let go of the need to protect ourselves and instead open ourselves up to the beauty and richness of human connection. It is through vulnerability that we can truly dare greatly and transform the way we live, love, parent, and lead.
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