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Avoid criticism and contempt from "summary" of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, Ph.D.
Criticism and contempt are like bacteria in a marriage: if left unchecked, they can destroy it from the inside out. Criticism involves attacking your partner's personality or character, rather than addressing a specific behavior. Contempt, on the other hand, involves a sense of superiority over your partner, often expressed through sarcasm, eye-rolling, insults, or hostile humor. Both behaviors erode the foundation of mutual respect and admiration that is essential for a healthy relationship. When criticism and contempt become pervasive in a marriage, they create a toxic environment where both partners feel unheard, unappreciated, and unloved. Over time, this can lead to a breakdown in communication, emotional disconnection, and ultimately, the dissolution of the relationship. It's crucial to recognize the signs of criticism and contempt in your own behavior and make a conscious effort to eliminate them from your interactions with your partner. One way to avoid criticism and contempt is to practice expressing your feelings and needs using "I" statements, rather than "you" statements. This shifts the focus from blaming your partner to taking responsibility for your own emotions. For example, instead of saying, "You never listen to me," you could say, "I feel unheard when we argue." This simple shift in language can help diffuse tension and foster a more empathetic and constructive dialogue. Another strategy is to cultivate a culture of appreciation and respect in your relationship. This involves acknowledging your partner's positive qualities, expressing gratitude for their contributions, and showing empathy and understanding in moments of conflict. By focusing on the strengths and virtues of your partner, rather than their flaws and shortcomings, you can create a more positive and loving dynamic between you. In the end, avoiding criticism and contempt requires a commitment to self-awareness, empathy, and communication. It's not always easy to change ingrained patterns of behavior, but with patience, practice, and a willingness to grow, you can transform your relationship from a battleground of resentment to a sanctuary of love and connection.
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