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Defensiveness hinders progress in resolving conflicts from "summary" of The Relationship Cure by John Gottman, PhD,Joan DeClaire
When we find ourselves in the midst of a conflict, our natural instinct may be to put up our defenses. We feel attacked, misunderstood, or criticized, and our immediate response is to protect ourselves. However, this defensiveness can actually hinder the progress we need to make in resolving conflicts. When we become defensive, we close ourselves off to truly listening to the other person's perspective. Instead of trying to understand where they are coming from, we focus on protecting ourselves and proving that we are right. This hinders effective communication and prevents us from finding common ground or reaching a resolution. Defensiveness also escalates the conflict, as the other person is likely to become defensive in response. This creates a cycle of defensiveness that can quickly spiral out of control, making it even harder to find a solution. In order to break this cycle, it is important to recognize when we are being defensive and make a conscious effort to shift our mindset. Instead of focusing on protecting ourselves, we should try to approach the conflict with an open mind and a willingness to listen. By letting go of defensiveness and truly engaging with the other person, we can create a more productive and constructive dialogue. This can help us to better understand each other's perspectives, find common ground, and work towards resolving the conflict in a more positive and effective way.
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