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Autonomy is essential for maintaining desire from "summary" of Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel

Autonomy, the freedom to act independently, is the lifeblood of desire within a relationship. When individuals are able to maintain a sense of self within the confines of a partnership, desire flourishes. This autonomy is not about independence in the traditional sense, but rather the ability to retain a sense of identity and agency while also being intimately connected to another person. In relationships where autonomy is lacking, desire often wanes. When one partner feels suffocated or controlled, their sense of self diminishes, leading to a loss of desire. This can manifest in a variety of ways, from decreased sexual attraction to emotional distance and resentment. Without the space to be oneself and pursue individual interests, the spark of desire can quickly fade. Conversely, when both partners are able to maintain a sense of autonomy, desire is given room to thrive. The tension between separateness and togetherness creates a dynamic energy that fuels passion. When individuals feel free to express their desires and pursue their interests, they bring a sense of vitality and excitement to the relationship. Autonomy also allows for the element of surprise and unpredictability, which are essential components of desire. When partners have the freedom to explore new experiences and grow as individuals, they bring fresh energy into the relationship. This sense of novelty and discovery keeps desire alive and prevents the stagnation that can come from routine and predictability.
  1. Autonomy is the key to maintaining desire in a long-term relationship. By nurturing each other's sense of self and allowing for individual growth, couples can keep the flame of passion burning bright. It is through the delicate balance of separateness and togetherness that desire can flourish and relationships can thrive.
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Mating in Captivity

Esther Perel

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