I from "summary" of Water from My Heart by Charles Martin
I don’t know how to explain what I did or what I saw. I don’t know how to explain the things that I’ve seen or done. I can tell you that I’ve lived a life of violence, of horror, of pain. I can tell you that I’ve seen things that would make you question everything you thought you knew about the world. But I can’t explain it. I can’t make you understand what it’s like to look into the eyes of another human being and see nothing but darkness staring back at you. I can’t tell you how it feels to hold a gun in your hand and know that you have the power to take another person’s life. I can’t explain the rush that comes with that kind of power, the way it makes you feel alive in a way that nothing else can. I can’t make you understand the weight of carrying that kind of knowledge with you every single day, knowing that you are capable of such terrible things. I can’t explain the guilt that comes with it, the way it eats away at you from the inside out. I can’t tell you what it’s like to wake up in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat, your heart pounding in your chest as you relive the things you’ve done in your mind. I can’t make you understand the way that guilt can consume you, the way it can drive you to the edge of madness. I can’t explain the moment when everything changed for me, when I looked into the eyes of a dying man and saw something in him that I had never seen before. I can’t tell you how it felt to watch the light go out of his eyes, to know that I was the one who had put it there. I can’t explain the way that moment changed me, the way it opened my eyes to the darkness that I had been living in for so long. I can’t tell you what it’s like to try to make amends for the things you’ve done, to try to find some kind of redemption in a world that seems determined to keep you in the darkness. I can’t explain the lengths that I’ve gone to in order to try to make things right, to try to find some kind of peace in a life that has been anything but peaceful. I can’t tell you how it feels to have the weight of the world on your shoulders, to know that every decision you make could mean the difference between life and death for
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